Bury Me

Cut from The Unauthorized Autobiography of Samantha Brown. 

KELLY
Sam, can you hear me?

SAM
Yes.

KELLY
There is something I need from you.

SAM
Is that you Kelly?

KELLY
They screwed up my final rites.

SAM
No.

KELLY
Yes! And now I’m stuck in limbo.

SAM
That’s terrible.

KELLY
Right? I hate to ask for a favor.

SAM
Anything.

KELLY
Take my body.
Dig it up from the ground.
Bring it to Arlington and bury me.
Bury me with Jackie O.

SAM
What?

KELLY
You know the chick who married that president.
The hot one who got shot.
She wore tiny hats and huge sunglasses and she’s my hero.
Oh to be buried with Jackie O.
Will you go?

SAM
I will go.

KELLY
Oh this is your quest.

BACKUP
Ah.

KELLY
You may die before you succeed.
Will you try?

SAM
I will try.

KELLY
You must try to honor me.

BACKUP
Ah.

KELLY
Bring your father to dig up my grave.

BACKUP
Ah.

KELLY
And your mother to make a video.

BACKUP
Ah.

KELLY
And above all else, take Adam.

BACKUP
Ah.

KELLY
And have sex on my grave.
So go to Arlington.

BACKUP
Arlington.
Ah!

KELLY
Drive to our nation’s capital.
Drive past our phallic national monument.
Drive.

BACKUP
Follow three-ninety-five.

KELLY
Drive.

BACKUP
Get off at Valley Drive.

KELLY
And bury me.

BACKUP
With my Prada shoes.

KELLY
Yes bury me.

BACKUP
And my Jimmy Choos.

KELLY
You’d better bury me.

BACKUP
Bury her.

KELLY
Bury me.

BACKUP
Bury her.

KELLY
Oh.

BACKUP
Oh.

KELLY
Oh.

BACKUP
Oh.

KELLY
Oh.
With Jackie O!

BACKUP
Oh!