Not Her Way
from Kerrigan-Lowdermilk LIVE Extras
from Tales from the Bad Years
So there’s this girl and there’s this guy,
Off and on they date.
She says they’ve been going out for several months.
He calls it a year and eight.
But all right.
See,
He’s always doing stupid things like that.
He’s always rounding up and always keeping score.
He wants control,
He wants a dog,
He wants a one year anniversary and more.
And so he tries to break her armor down with his sneaky little grin.
Tries to push her towards the edge.
She just digs her heels right in.
He sends roses like grenades,
Thinking she will show her hand.
Thinking she wants accolades.
He doesn’t understand:
That’s not her way.
That’s not how she goes.
She has no need to label something she already knows.
See he wants control.
He wants her to break.
He wants to take things year by year.
She wants to live them day by day.
And that’s not a threat.
She does not make threats.
That’s not my way…
Her way.
Some people dream of ever after.
They dream of finding love.
Some people want to live the whole domestic scene.
Some people know there's more to life than living out some dull routine.
And she knows it.
So she runs the other way,
Though the streets are cold and black.
Feels her panic rising up
In another stealth attack.
And she's running out of breath.
Tears are running from her eyes.
Footsteps gaining from behind.
Someone’s screaming “compromise!”
But that’s not her way.
That’s not what she does.
She is the sturdy one,
The callous one.
She is,
She always was.
That was all made clear.
I guess he forgot.
Whether or not he understood,
He had been cautioned all along.
So it was not just,
And it was not fair…
But it was wrong that when he dropped to one knee,
She sort of laughed instead of cried.
And when she saw he had a ring,
She couldn’t breathe and ran outside.
It was just one more deal in a game they’d played a few times.
All for his validation.
All for his fears,
All victimless crimes,
Right?
Just part of the plan,
Right?
There was always a plan,
Right?
Right?
Right!
Well she ran.
He was coming up behind her.
She ran,
Trying to think of places no one else would find her.
She had warned that man.
So she ran,
And she ran,
And she ran,
And she ran!
So fuck your plan.
I am not amused.
You go script things out,
But I’ll stay here.
I’ll be the one to choose.
We are not all right.
We are not okay.
I must not have been clear enough.
I guess I meant to say,
You are not my life.
You are not my soul.
You are someone who’s a part of me.
You are not in control.
And that’s not your fault.
It was my mistake.
I couldn’t find the words to say I couldn’t stay.
It’s just not my way.
