The Thanksgiving Plan
Cut from Tales from the Bad Years
MAN 1: It’s just a turkey.
WOMAN 2: Just a turkey?
WOMAN 1: Is that what you think Thanksgiving is?
MAN 1: What’s the big deal?
WOMAN 3: Okay. Why don’t you make Thanksgiving Dinner?
MAN 1: Fine. We will.
MAN 2: We will?
MAN 1: Yeah.
WOMAN 1: Dinner’s at five. (She sets a timer.)
MAN 2: What are you guys gonna do?
WOMAN 3: I don’t know – what guys normally do on Thanksgiving. So – nothing? (The women exit.)
MAN 1: Can you believe them? They don’t think we can make Thanksgiving dinner.
MAN 2: We can’t make Thanksgiving dinner.
MAN 1: No, no. Thanksgiving is our birthright, our heritage. Saying that you can’t make Thanksgiving dinner is like saying you don’t understand football. It’s un-American. I tell you, bro – all we need is a plan.
MAN 1
We’ll make a feast. We’ll revolutionize the spread.
With perfect gravy and pies bigger than your head.
Woah-oh-oh.
Today we change the face of butterball.
The greatest turkey of them all.
MAN 2
We have them creamed.
MAN 1
They are like putty in our hands.
MAN 2
Here comes the kickoff.
MAN 1
Crowds are cheering in the stands.
BOTH
Ahh!
MAN 1
Have you ever seen a turkey cry?
MAN 2
No.
MAN 1
Well, you’re going to.
And do you know why?
Do you know why?
MAN 2
Why?
MAN 1
We got a plan.
MAN 2
We’ve got a plan?
MAN 1
We’ve got a Thanksgiving plan.
We’ve got a monumental, gastronomic, bona fide plan.
You can try to tell a brother he can’t, but he can.
Do you know the story of the man with the plan?
MAN 2
No.
MAN 1
You are the man.
MAN 2
I am the man?
MAN 1
You are the man with the plan.
You are a Martha Stewart Living, Epicurious man.
You can try to tell a brother he can’t, but he can.
Do you know why no one can compete with the plan?
MAN 2
Why?
MAN 1
They have no plan.
The women enter.
WOMAN 1: So how’s it going?
MAN 2: Do we have a mashy thing?
MAN 1 (overlapping): Great. It’s going great.
WOMAN 2: We were just gonna go play some X-Box… unless you guys need help.
MAN 1: No. We’re great!
WOMAN 3: Nothing like a little X-Box to work up an appetite.
MAN 1: Will do.
They exit.
MAN 1 (under his breath): Shit.
MAN 2
I got the spuds.
MAN 1
I got the turkey crossing sign.
MAN 2
They had no celery but the pickles should do fine.
BOTH
Woah-oh-oh.
MAN 2
Should I throw away the turkey heart?
MAN 1
No. We’ll be needing that.
‘Cause it’s just the start.
BOTH
It’s just the start.
MAN 1
We’ve got a plan.
MAN 2
We’ve got a plan.
MAN 1
We’ve got a quality plan.
We’ve got a monolithic, superpower, masculine plan.
BOTH
You can try to tell a brother he can’t, but he can.
MAN 1
Do you know the story of the man with the plan?
MAN 2
Yep.
I am the man.
MAN 1
You are the man!
BOTH
I am / You are the man with the plan.
MAN 2
I am a supercalifragilistic really good man.
BOTH
You can try to tell a brother he can’t, but he can.
Do you know why no one can compete with the plan?
They have no plan.
The men exit.
WOMAN 3 (offstage): Go deep!
WOMAN 2 (running on): I’m deep!
WOMAN 3: Ready?
WOMAN 2: Yeah.
A football flies across the stage. WOMAN 2 yelps but does not catch it. WOMAN 1 steals the football.
WOMAN 1: I got it! I got it! I got it!
She runs back offstage in the direction WOMAN 2 came from. WOMAN 2 chases her for the football.
The men enter.
MAN 2
I made soufflé… but then it kind of sort of fell.
MAN 1
The pickle stuffing’s good. The bird’s not doing well.
MAN 2
It should have marinated overnight.
MAN 1
We’ll be all right.
BOTH
We’ll be all right.
MAN 1
Stick to the plan.
MAN 2
We got a plan.
MAN 1
We got a Thanksgiving plan.
We got a cooking like we’re Bobby Flay on Iron Chef plan.
BOTH
You can try to tell a brother he can’t but he can.
MAN 1
Do you know the story of the man with the plan?
MAN 2
Yep.
You are the man!
MAN 1
You are the man!
BOTH
You are the man with the plan.
You are an ultramodern, photogenic, happening man.
You can try to tell a brother he can’t but he can.
Do you know why no one can complete with us?
Do you know why no one messes with the plan?
They have no plan.
They have no plan.
They have no…
The timer dings.
WOMAN 1: Time’s up.
WOMAN 3: What d’ya have, boys?
MAN 1: Well… we’ve got um… a…
MAN 2: We’ve got some pickle stuffing and…
MAN 1: Soufflé?
WOMAN 2: Wow.
MAN 1: I don’t know. Maybe you guys were right. Did you know that a turkey cooks for like nine hours?
WOMAN 1: Yes. Did you know that I’m really good at football?
MAN 2: That wasn’t football.
WOMAN 3: That’s not stuffing.
MAN 1: So now we don’t have Thanksgiving dinner.
WOMAN 1: Not exactly.
WOMAN 2 rolls on a cart of food.
MAN 2: What?
WOMAN 3
We had a plan.
MAN 1
They had a plan.
WOMAN 3
We had a really good plan.
We had a multitasking, playing sports while making food plan.
You can try to tell a sister she can’t but she can.
Do you know the story of the girls with the plan?
MAN 2
No.
WOMAN 3
WELL, NEITHER DO I BUT WE BEAT THE PANTS OFF YOU!
WOMEN
We had a plan.
MEN
They had a plan.
WOMEN
We had a plan.
WOMAN 3
It’s our Thanksgiving plan.
WOMEN AND MEN
Woah-oh-oh.
Woah-oh-oh!
